the darkness begins

I am so excited to be able to share this with anyone who is willing to listen...as long as they don't know who I am. I have never written about this before and am very reserved at the idea of anyone from my small town knowing who is writing this. Anyhow...sophomore year. Back to the boyfriend. He was very charming and a great catch...so I thought. All the girls drooled over him. And it seemed that he returned every drool in force. I was stupid. I wish I would have know the signs at this point and jumped ship before it was too late. He had one "friend" in particular that I felt he stepped over the line with. She was pretty and in the same class as him. They would walk down the hallway arm in arm or he would constantly have his arm around her, walking right past me. It hurt but when I brought it up I was being jealous, overreacting and he would just blow my feelings off. He became an obsession. I thought he was all that was out there. My friends kept warning me about him, but rumors in our town flew like wildfire. I didn't know what was the truth and what was not because everytime I would ask him about it, he denied it. I always believed him...again, stupid. We were an on again, off again kind of couple. When it was convenient for him we would be on, when in was inconvenient, we would be off.  Of course I was always available when he decided to be "on again."  This went on for 4 or so years.  Talk about lust!  He was a year older than me so he graduated from high school and went to a nearby community college.  His class decided to go to Hawaii that summer as a graduation present and that "friend" of his was part of the crew.  Well, conveniently, he broke up with me just before he went on the trip and we stayed apart for nearly the entire summer.  I went about my way, had some fun on the side, dated a little.  Come to find out, he had slept with this "friend" that summer and she became pregnant.  Rumors were going around that the boyfriend was the father, but the dates didn't calculate out right.  I have checked and double checked on that.  Still no 18 year old girl on our doorstep.  I can't quite remember when he decided to be my boyfriend again, but it did happen, eventually.     I was still in high school, and I can quite honestly say, my senior year was the worst year of my entire school career!  First, I sprained my ankle at a volleyball game, which limited my mobility.  I was able to play at the state tournament, but I couldn't do much.  It really frustrated me.  I guess I didn't pay much attention to details about him at that time, until closer to the end of the year.  School went on and my friends and I decided to be basketball cheerleaders.  It really ticked off the girls basketball coach because we took some of her best players...I though it was hilarious.  I must admit, I did have alot of fun during that time.  Finally we are on to the end of the year, I was in track and wound up pregnant.  We were never careful when it came to sex, I guess it was the Superman complex.  To complicate things, I was being scouted by colleges for track and my senior season went to shit.  It was decided that I would have an abortion.  That college scholarship was probably the only way I was going to get a college education and at 18, my life would have been turned upside down with a baby.  No excuses, it was the absolute worst thing I could have done.  Thinking back to then and that choice, I hate myself for what I did.  I would have a 20 year old child right now, but I took that life away.  I am so thankful that God took that baby and wrapped his arms around it.  I am so sorry my sweet, innocent baby...    That drive home from the clinic was heart-wrenching.  The boyfriend even seemed like he truly cared about me.  I just so happened that this sort of thing was supposed to be kept in the closet in our small town, only, somehow, it became the secret talk of the town.    Well, it was difficult to recover from an abortion and try to impress college recruits at the same time.  I tried my best, but was not able to run nearly as fast as I had before I did what I did.  The college recruits didn't seem to care that much and still asked me to come to their college and run.  I gladly accepted, I needed to get out of this small town.  For my graduation present, three of my friends and I went to Mexico.  I just happened to break-up with the boyfriend before I left!  We had an amazing time down there.  Partied all night, sun-tanned all day.  I even met my Val Kilmer down there...well, that's what he looked like to me <3  He was at our hotel every night to "pick me up" for our next night out on the town.  He made the trip special and the one special night I will always remember was him and I making-out on some chairs on the beach, watching the sun come up.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart Brian <3   Summer came and went.  College started earlier than I was used to.  At that point, the boyfriend was back in the picture again...driving with me on my way to college.

the younger years

This is a story about me and the turns my life has taken throughout the years.  Today, I am near 40 years old and can still remember my youth.  Times spent with my grandma baking cookies, times spent with my family and reunions and trips to Eastern Washington and just plain being a kid.  I come from a hard-working middle-class family where I quickly learned that all things come with a price and to be happy with what I have.  My dad taught me how to do many things and I am so grateful for the time he took to teach me.  My mom was just my mom. She cooked us food, got us up for school, but my childhood memories of her weren't very positive.  My parents were avid fans of my athletics, along with my grandma.  I could always hear her voice above the crowds...and it made me smile.  I can say that my parents did all they could to help further our athletic careers and I am very thankful for their support.

I think I'll start this story in about the 4th grade.  This was the year that horomones started kicking in and boys lost their cooties.  I had my eye on a particular boy who was a year older than me.  Our first dating experience started on a Friday of my 4th grade year and ended on the following Monday...go figure!  I used to write my name with his last name all over my pee-chees, but he was always chose to date a friend of mine.  Oh well, I enjoyed my elementary years with all my friends and he got put at the back of my mind.

Moved on to junior high where we started into sports, lockers and jealousy.  I had been on a swimming team for several years now and had many friends on the team, so the school stuff seemed very trivial.  I could always leave it and go swimming.  I think that was the year I had my first "official" boyfriend.  He was on the swim team and also went to the same school as I did.  We "went out" for about a year, I even made him a teddy bear in my home-ec class.  Any of you remember that class?  That's where I learned to sew, cook and my first experience with sex ed(which my mom took me out of).  I guess she had plans to teach me herself.  I had a great group of friends established by now, and we always seemed to be changing "best friends" with each other. 

The "best friend" changing didn't sit well with me.  I am the type of person who has few "real" friends, but once they get there, they are friends for life.  I discovered that I wouldn't be finding those friends in High School. I tried, but everytime I turned around, the person I thought was my best friend had become best friends with someone else.  I could honestly say, if it wasn't for my sports, High School would have been absolutely miserable...instead of mostly miserable.

My Sophomore year was the beginnings of where I sit today.  That same boy I "went out" with in the 4th grade came knocking on my door again.  Soon after that, we were official.  I was his girlfriend, but only in words.